Member-only story
Birthday Depression 2023
April is my birthday month.
This is my birthday week.
And here I am, avoiding my phone and barely telling people because my brain is lying to me and I don’t know how to make it stop except to feel how I feel, continue my routines, and wait it out.
It’s difficult to explain depression to people who don’t experience it. How do you convey how you cannot trust your thoughts? How do you explain that the monologue running through your head is telling you that you are an unnecessary burden and you deserve nothing? How do you verbalize that there is this part of yourself that hates you, hates everything you do, and believes that the world would be better if you weren’t in it? And nothing anyone says, including yourself, changes that belief.
Life has its challenges but I am in a good space considering. I am loved. I have support. I am financially secure at the moment despite carrying too much debt. I’m respected. I have a list of accomplishments that I’m proud of and regardless of all of that, I still feel like the biggest piece of trash this world has ever produced. Trying not to hate myself has become a full-time job and it’s breaking me.
I know these thoughts running through my head are not true. I know it’s all nonsense. Knowing this doesn’t stop me from feeling how I feel. I don’t know why this is a…
